with or without me?
by thestendanlover
Summary: brendan finally has to decide if it's ste, and ste alone who he really wants.


Brendans POV

The last fiew weeks have been uneventful. I've been in Ireland; away from hollyoaks. Away from cheryl, away from peter but more importantly, away from stephan.  
>He's been on my mind ever second of everyday. Like now, as I lay here awake aware of the absence of the man I what, love? I can't help but think of everything we have been through...<p>

Many people who have discoverd my secret have been quick to judge me, quick to tell me I should come out or I shouldn't have hurt stephan and that bitch rae even threatend me! Maybe they're right, I shouldn't have hit stephan, I know that now but these are the people who lead normal, strait, lives. They have no idea what it feels like to be an out cast to be "the gay one".

Like Peter said if there's the slightest chance that ste will take me back I need to take it and that is why I'm packing my bags and heading back to hollyoaks...

-later that day-

As I walked through the streets of Hollyoaks I felt a pain in the left side of my chest; maybe the weather was getting to me?  
>Then I saw him, them, a sight I'd so hoped I'd imagined. Who was that man? More importently, what was he doing with MY man? Look at them, happily walking through the village with there arms around eachother. What do they call it? "Out and proud" or some shit like that. I couldn't help but notice that ste was slightly uncumfortable with the hole thing. Little signs like the way that camp guy, noel, or some weird name like that seemed happy and care free, yet stephan was edgey and always looking around him. However, he didn't seem to notice me. After kissing stephan on the lips, he waved and walked off. Yes, that's right, I've just wittnessed a complete stranger claim stephans lips, I'd have to show that bloke who's them lip's really belonged to, but first, I had to sort things out betweeen us...<p>

"stephan..." I said softly standing close enough for him to feel my breathe on his ear. I knew he still wanted me as he shiverd at the contact. His voice however was less convincing..

"what are you doing here? Thought you'd gone for good" stephan said sharply turning to face me. His face scrunged up in anger, he often pulled that face.

"Came to sort things out with cheryl, thanks for tha.." I sarcastically not allowing him to see my true emotions but i found it hard, these days, to hide them from him.

"ye, well. You should have told her years ago" he said, cutting me off.

"Stephan, please..." I said more seductively this time and dare I say it; wanting him to see my vulnerability.

"I'm not in the mood for thins Brendan, I've got a new b..Partner" stephan said bluntly. Ahh, so it wasn't just me who wasn't comfortable with being..y'know, 'gay'

"stephan, I came back for..look, come round to my place tonight; we need to talk" cheryl is out with the girls tonight so we'll have a free house. Hopefuilly, there won't be much need for talking.

"Fine, but only because i need to put things behind me, move on" stephan tried to hide the excitment in his voice of being alone with me. He says he's moved on but i no he hasn't, I hope he hasn't. I no what it's like to not want to love someone but being unable to resist.

Me and Cheryl had sorted things out by now she'd told me she was stupid to over react but it was just a big shcok wich, i guess, i could understand. She'd told me she was glad i was back and that she hoped i couldsort things out with stephan. I still don't think she has fully forgiven me for the mugging but we where getting there.

I'd dressed up quit smartly for tonight; I had my blag suit trousers on and my red shirt wich i know stephan loves. I stank of aftershave but stephan liked that too.  
>I was ready to prove myself to him.<p>

Nervous about the night ahead i'd started early. I'd baught some new whiskey from Ireland and I'd well and truely got stuck in.  
>About an hour after Cheryl left i heard a knocking on the door. It was quit gentle, maybe tonight was just him 'letting go'<p>

I shifted such thoughts to the back of my mind and answerd the door. Stephan was looking...delicous. He had gone for a more casual look but i could see he'd put effort Like how he had put a bit of gel on his hair to slide it off his face or how he'd gone for brouges instead of trainers. He still had a polo-shirt on but would he be Stephan withou one?

"Right, Im not here to piss about so, what do you want?" stephan said, he sounded like he wanted to believe what he was saying, but couldn't.

In that moment i had to think fast, was I going to hide my feelings for any longer or, was i going to 'come out'

"well..." stephan said looking shocked that I seem to be diliberating what to say.

"You don't want him." I spoke quietly, gently wanting to show Stephan that I do, honestly, care.

"That's not the point, he's better for me than you!" Stephan almost spat the last words, maybe this was going to be harder that I thought, if I wanted him back I had to do one thing. Be honest.

"But he doesn't love you Stephan!" I shouted, regretting taking the long way around.

Stephan froze, then turned to me, "..and you do?"


End file.
